My Lord, Chairman, Honourable Councillors, Ladies, Gentlemen, and those few Wealdenland Residents still in possession of their purse, sanity and liberty, at ENORMOUS expense, ( funded in large part by the happy, docile Wealdenland ratepayers ), we are proud to present for your surprise and delectation, in the year of our Lord 1998, the Michelmas…

MAlice in Wealdenland Planning Panto!

( A bedtime play in one act for children aged 8 – 11 and Councillors aged 20 – 75 ).

Starring :-.
The Inspector. Appointed by the Secretary of State to confirm the bleeding obvious.
Pester H. A small businessman, on pain of imprisonment and unlimited fine, who has failed to convince a succession of “professional” planning officers as to the veracity of his case, and is now trying to explain the obvious for the umpteenth time at a Certificate of Lawful Use Inquiry, ( whose sole objective is to establish the truth so we can all go home ).
Geoff J. An enforcement solicitor blessed with a wonderful memory, who, under principle 22.14 of his code of conduct, has no allegiance to-day other than to the Inquiry, and is required to act with scrupulous fairness.
Amnesian K. Who, with 25 years of experience at Wealdenland, is one of their 75 planning officers struggling to get promotion and keep the department, ( which loses 42.5% of it’s appeals ), “busy”. And how do you do that? Well, you tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth of course! ( But never, never, do you quickly agree to the obvious ).
Other Parts played by members of the cast.
Narrator.
Goalpost mover ( essential, but ever invisible ).
Child 1.
Child 2.
Other parts played by a stage hand.
Baron Sleazebuster of Halland Heap - a fearless investigator of falsehood, deception and inaccuracy.
Wool Puller -- who pulls fleeces over the Inspector’s eyes.
Gremlin Let in the Wet – who removes fleeces from Inspector’s eyes.
Hair Splitter -- who halves the whole truth when necessary.
The Recording.
Permission was sought of the Inspector to record at the commencement of this appeal. Natty devices purchased for as little as £35 enable appellants to check the veracity of their own responses and on reflection conclude that it was they who were withholding information, misleading the Inspector, pulling the wool and obscuring the bleeding obvious. Replaying these recordings in the privacy of their cell has brought many small businessmen solace and comfort in the wee small hours.
Committees see no need for “Hansard like” reporting. Why? because it cuts down on the paper chase afterwards, and letters cost, you’ve guessed it, MONEY. Wealdenland ratepayers have lots of that children, and they just love giving it to their wonderful Officers!
( And do you know that the biggest Officer of them all, ( the Big Chief Executive ), Eric Smugness, gets a pension dependent in part on the number of Officers he employed at retirement? So, if he can invent jobs for Officers he gets more lolly!
Isn’t that a wonderful idea children? Another thing, Wealdenland Councillors think they cannot be sued, so whilst maliciously prosecuted appellants rot in gaol, they can go happily about their business. But we are going to explain to them differently, aren’t we boys and girls!
( Nota Bene We are deeply indebted to an anonymous subversive Wealdenwatcher who has given unstintingly of his time to choreograph the notes and cross references which will ensure that you end up completely confused, exasperated and disinterested. Never mind, it’s all in a good cause, shout the “M” word boys and girls, yes, MONEY ! )

The scene – A sunny September day in 1997 in a boring committee room. The evidence given by the participants is on oath. The item under consideration – an unauthorised black and white photocopy of an unauthorised colour photocopy of a high definition copyright aerial photograph ( appendix 1 refers to the 1:10,000 scale identical survey taken on 8/5/87, co-purchased along with E.S.C.C., and held in the Council’s offices under refernec 11/87/180. ).
This black & white photocopy, bearing no Wealdenland Planning and Building control stamp, was purchased on 18/8/96 by Pester H. We are now told this photocopy was never put into the Inquiry documents ( appendix 2 ), and the copy which Mr. H. put in isn’t available for inspection on either the confidential file or the public file. Confused? You’ll make a good Councillor.
Not confused? You’ll make a wonderful planning officer.

Properties.
A magic top hat.
A magic carpet.
A stack of fleeces ( taken from ingenue participants in the planning system ).
A short corridor.
A locked door.

Music
Provided by the Slime Grove Syncophany playing their anthem “We can do what we like ‘cos we’ve got your money!”.
Opening refrain from “The answer is NO! , so what is the question?”
Various tapes of the W.A.G.’s choir.

Blessing by the successor to Francis Davey, Vicar of Altarnun.
Oh Lord,
We pray that you may open their ears to the cries
and their and eyes to the tears.


Act One, Scene One.
Pester H. “ …aerial photograph that was referred to in my letter of 20/8/96. Are you able to produce a copy of that for the Inspector?”
Amnesian K. “I do that, have that here”. ( Produces a now non existent aerial photograph that he can now no longer “recall” ( appendix 1 ) from his file ).
Inspector. “What was the date of the aerial photograph?”
Pester H. “Could I leave the Council to answer that Sir?”
Inspector. “Yes, sure”.
Amnesian K. “Is that the one you are referring to? ( Shows the inquiry a copy of the only aerial photograph ever to be temporarily on the public file. This is a black and white photocopy of colour photocopy of an enlargement of the 8/5/87 stereoscopic survey which has been in Slime Grovel since purchase ).
Pester “Yes”.
Amnesian K. “That is the only aerial photograph we have”. “I, I do not know when it was taken.”
Child 1. “ Was that a false, inaccurate, or misleading statement my Lord?”
Baron S.B. “Investigation of scurrilous allegations is outside my remit child”.
Inspector “Can you make ou…… do you know a period when it may have been taken?”
Amnesian K. “I think Mr. H is claiming it was 1986”.
Inspector “Orientate me, I don’t know where I am.”
Amnesian K. “Right.”
Inspector “Oh, I see, that’s the Cuckoo Trail.”
Amnesian K. “There is Stream Farmhouse, … polytunnel, there is the oast”.
Inspector to Pester H. “Do you want to come and have a look?”
Amnesian K. “Sorry, let me start again.”
Pester H. “It’s a very useful piece of evidence.”
Amnesian K. “That is Stream Farmhouse…the drive where we parked yesterday, that is the Maynards Green road, there’s the Cuckoo Trail, there is the Bridge Poultry site, that is the polytunnel number 7, that is the open field,….I think that is the track or path, a mown track that Mr. H referred to this morning. Which goes,
Geoff J. “Back of area 22 “.
Inspector “But we don’t have a date on this”.
Pester H. “Well, I’m sure we do if we look in the Council’s archives”.
Wool Puller. “We could not possibly allow such a thing, that would cast an aspersion on the veracity of the previous answers”.
Baron S. B. “When petitioners accounts and officers accounts differ, it is beyond our remit to seek corroborative evidence such as a file.”
Child 2 “Is a tape recording “corroborative evidence” Daddy?”.
Inspector. “Well, .. put it another way Mr. K, do you know what the date of this is ?
Amnesian K. “No I don’t Sir”.
( Slime Grove Syncophants sing opening chorus from “We can do what we like ‘cos we’ve got your money!“).
Wool Puller - place one fleece over Inspector’s eyes,
Stage Manager – belt prompter if he starts to say 8/5/87
Child 1 “Have you ever found anything to be false, inaccurate or misleading my Lord?”
Baron S.B. “ In planning? Never in my life child”.
Inspector. “There is not much point in me taking, .. I mean I will take it, but if I don’t know the date it doesn’t help me a lot.”
( Stage Manager – Change the subject as fast as possible because the last thing we want to do is help an Inspector ).
Amnesian K. ( Hush children, nice Mr. K. is now going to tell the Inspector about the 1987 participation in a Countywide group purchase of an aerial survey ( appendix 2 )).
“We have, we don’t commission any aerial photography of the area.”
Wool Puller. - Place another fleece over the Inspector’s eyes.
Narrator. “Cheer up children, I am sure the nice solicitor will volunteer the information .
Child 1 “If the ’87 survey was co-commissioned, was that a false answer my Lord?”
Baron SB “That would require my calling for a file to seek corroborative evidence. Such actions are beyond my remit child. Besides, I’ve resigned my commission now.”
Inspector “Where did this come from? Was it? D…do you know where it came from?
Amnesian K. “I thought it was submitted by Mr. Hudson”
( Wool Puller. Belt Let in the Wet if he points out that there is no WDC Planning & Building Control Date Stamp anywhere on the photocopy which would corroborate the logic behind this statement ).
Pester H. ( EMPHATICALLY ) “I’m sorry, you are quite wrong there Mr. K. “
Amnesian K “Well I don’t know”. ( Wait for next time children! ).
Child 2. “Mr. Pester seemed to know where all his 350 pieces of evidence came from, so why doesn’t Mr K. know where one piece of evidence on his file came from Daddy?”
Narrator. “He may be suffering from amnesia Darling.”
Child 2. “I hope he gets better soon.”
Inspector “Well if … if neither side recalls having it and I don’t know the date, where did you come across it Mr. Hudson?”
Pester H. “In the Council’s files, on the eighteenth of Sept…. August 1996, and I wrote to them received by them on the 22nd. August to say “I enclose a revised plan which eliminates the lorry body marked six on the previous plan. It is quite obvious from the aerial photograph that this is a mis-declaration for which I apologised.” ( This lorry body’s absence is not obvious in the 1:10,000 survey held at Slime Grove ).
Amnesian K. “Yes, I don’t dispute that.
Pester H. “Right.”
Amnesian K. “You obviously came into the office, saw the application file ..”
Pester H. “Correct.”
Amnesian K. “That was on the file, I don’t dispute that either because it was me that took it off yesterday, “
Gremlin Let in the Wet. “Took a black and white photocopy off the colour photocopy, because that is what we are discussing, and the lorry body is only identifiable in the first generation colour copy! So where is the colour copy? Still on the file?”
Pester H ”Correct”.
Amnesian K “ .. and as a result of that you deleted lorry body number 5.”
Pester H. “If that had got a flag on it saying 1979 then quite clearly I would have not have written to you in such emphatic terms admitting a mis-declaration would I?”.
Amnesian K. “ No, I wouldn’t have thought you would”.
Pester H. “No, so something gave me to indica … gave me a clear indication that that was a 1986 photograph”.
Geoff J. “What is the relevance of this .. ?
Child 1 “ Daddy, why doesn’t this magnificent legal cerebellum see the relevance of acquiring a firm date attribution from “aerial” “evidence” whereas nice Judge Kennedy’s does ( appendix 3 ) ?.
Narrator. “Because Judge Kennedy is an Officer of the Supreme Court”.
Child 1. “Isn’t nice Mr. J ?”.
Narrator. “Yes”.
Pester H. ( Emphatically ) “A great deal Sir”.
Inspector “Well, well it is relevant to the period if I’ve got a date, but, but if I have’nt got a date I don’t know what I can draw from it, and both sides say they didn’t produce it”.
Narrator Gather round the magic top hat children and we’ll see if it’s in there. Is that spaghetti at the bottom or an expensive shredded photograph?
Child 1 “Why would anybody want to shred an expensive photograph Daddy?”
Narrator. “I can’t imagine Darling”.
Child 1. “What’s sleaze Daddy?”
Narrator “Something which is investigated when the evidence has gone Darling.”
Pester H. “Well I took a photo-copy of it Sir and it was dated [ emphatically ] approximately 1986.
Stage Manager – Belt prompter if he starts to say “May 8th 1987 actually.”
Prompter -- Belt solicitor if he starts to say “May 8th 1987 actually” .
Wool puller -- get another fleece ready .
Inspector “Where did , where did you first see it?”
Pester H. “In the Council’s files”.
Inspector “ When you say it was dated, what was dated?”
Pester H. ( confused ) “Um ……. there was a covering letter there was some indication alongside of it to indicate that it was 1986 or thereabouts”.
( Stage manager – securely gag prompter, Solicitor and Amnesian K. ).
Inspector “Which file was it in?”
Pester H. “WD 96 oblique 0043 LU . The file the subject of this Inquiry.”
Inspector “But …”
Amnesian K. “That I do not dispute Sir, that’s where it came from”.
Inspector “But how did it get there, that is what I am trying to find out?”
( Gremlin Let in the Wet. “And that is the last thing we are going to tell you so why don’t we discuss this dreadful weather?)
Pester H. “It was commissioned Sir by the Council, they do not wish to admit that to you because it is useful evidence that rebuts much of what Mr. Wells ( Stage Right. Fanfare from the Slime Grove Syncophants ) has to say. Is th..that not correct Mr K.?”
Amnesian K. ( Stage left sound of moving goalposts ) “I am of the opinion that it probably is about 1986 … when that was taken. I have no proof, I can’t prove it. “
( TOP SECRET. WE can “prove it” boys and girls because we know more about his Planning Office than Mr. K. does! After high tea to-morrow we’ll peep at the “set of stereoscopic prints dating from 1987” ( appendix 1 ) which Mr. K has been walking past for nearly half his professional career in Slime Grove, and confirm it’s from the same negative, but don’t tell the Inspector!).
Inspector “But you’re ..”
Amnesian K. “I don’t disagree with Mr. Hudson if he says he thinks it was taken about 1986. It was of his land, it was, it does show certain things. We are not relying… “
Child 1. “What’s half evidence Daddy”
Narrator “Hard evidence that’s been photocopied twice and lost it’s date attribution”.
Child 1 “Does Mr. K ever use hard evidence Daddy?”
Narrator “He always does when it helps his case Darling.”
Child 1 “Is that scrupulously fair Daddy?”
Narrator “Ask the nice solicitor about fairness Darling, that’s his speciality “.
Inspector ”Well that is for you to say, if both sides say it was 1986 I’ll keep it and record that the opinion is that it was 1986”
Amnesian K. “I have no evidence to dispute the date,”
Gremlin Let in the Wet. “I could show you some evidence in the 1987 stereoscopic group survey.”
“well not the date, the rough year when it was taken.”
Gremlin Let in the Wet “I could tell the Inspector the exact year.”
Amnesian K. “I would suspect, and I am only surmising here, that the Council does have access to the County Council’s aerial photography in East Sussex”.
Narrator. “This is getting silly children. Sit beside me on the magic carpet and we’ll fly straight to Slime Grove. Ah! Here we are! This must be the “shorter” “corridor” that nice Judge Kennedy mentioned at Edward Russell’s trial ( appendix 5 ). Oh! What a shame! The door is locked! Never mind children, let’s peep through the keyhole. Good Heavens! Surely we cannot be looking at the 1987 Countywide Group Aerial Survey? We are! And although since purchase it has become used primarily for the determination of Certificate of Lawfulness Applications, Mr. K. only “suspects” and “surmises” he has “access” to it. Do you believe him children? If he were to deny “recall” of this cross examination, would you believe him children?
Inspector “Yes”.
K. “And it may well have been that the case officer”
Child 2 “Should an Officer giving evidence on oath know more or less than the departed Case Officer Daddy?”
Narrator. “ Ssssshh Darling.”
“tried to find an aerial photograph from that knowledge of the survey could throw up something,”
Gremlin Let in the Wet. “Like some useful corroborative evidence as to usage in the tunnels, and having found it the evidence is photocopied twice to degrade the detail”.
Wool Puller. “We don’t want to hear from you!”
“so it could have been the case officer … who sought to do it. That’s just me surmising, I have no evidence to prove that …”
Child 1 “What’s “hard evidence” ( appendix 4 ) Daddy?”
Narrator “Hard factual information that cannot really be wrong whichever way you look at it Darling.”
Child 1 “Like that minute scale stereoscopic photograph in Slime Grove Daddy?” Narrator “That’s right Darling, but hush, because I am sure Mr. K. is about to mention it.”
Child 1 “Why did Mr. K. leave the original at home Daddy?”
Narrator “SShhhhh!”
Inspector “That’s the case officer for this current C.L.U.”.
( Child 1 “Didn’t Mr. H. ask that just about everybody under the sun be witness summonsed at the start of this Inquiry? So why isn’t the “Case Officer” who obtained the photograph here Daddy?”
Narrator “Because he’s “left this Authority””.
Child 1 “I think it’s a shame he couldn’t “right this Authority” Daddy”.
Narrator “So do I Darling”.
Amnaesian K. “That’s right Sir, yes.”
H. “The Council’s policy in other applications has been not ( appendix 3 A & B ) to go to the expense of getting aerial photographs, is that not the case?”
Amnesian Kay. “Unless there is an appeal”
Child 1 “Then why didn’t Mr. K. get an aerial photograph for this appeal Daddy, because the had already done so?
Narrator “Hush Darling, I am sure Mr. K is about to help the Inspector”.
Gremlin Let in the Wet “If photographs are only obtained for appeals, why wasn’t one obtained for Edward Russell’s appeal ( appendix 3 )?
Child 1 “What’s “inconsistency” Daddy?”
Narrator. “A form of maladministration Darling”.
Pester H. “Unless there is an appeal”.
K. “We quite often use access to aerial photography in different forms”.
H. “At Hackhurst Lane, not only did you get aerial photographs, you also got one of adjoining land, as a joke”.
K. “Am I to be permitted to finish my answer?
H. “Please do.”
K. “…to your first question. We do have access to aerial photography. Aerial photography has sometimes been taken by people on our behalf, one or two of the officers do have flying licences and will overfly sites if they know there is an appeal coming up and there is an Inquiry date scheduled”.
H. “So did somebody overfly in 1986 because they knew there was an appeal coming up?
Child 1 “Are Planning Officers given crystal balls Daddy?”
Narrator. “Seldom, but they are given penal instruments to play with.”
Child 1. “Is that a very good idea?”
Narrator. “No.”
K. “Oh no, not in this case.”
H. “So you went to a library, you commissioned a reprint of that photograph and now you are saying you don’t know anything about it and you don’t know what date it refers to?”
Child 1 “Is that what you call a “fair summary of the situation” Daddy ?
Narrator. ” Hush Darling, I think Mr. K. is about to help the Inspector.
K. “You really are putting words in my mouth”.
H. “Well I’m asking you, is that the case?”
Dialogue overlaps here.
K. “I have not said that, no. I just surmised as to how that photograph came onto the Council’s file. I have no evidence to confirm that”.
Narrator. “Then we’ll have to ask the Gremlin. Gremlin, how did that photo get onto the file?. Oh dear! He’s gone off surmising for the day. Now we’ll never know.”
H. “Right”.
K. “I surmised it”.
H. “Right.”
K. [ Unclear ] “I think we’ve probably achieved it”.
H. “Well, perhaps your accounts, if they are as detailed as mine, might give you a very clear indication, without very much difficulty. Would you like to do that in the interval this afternoon?”
Child 1 “What are “accounts” Daddy?”
Narrator. “Added lists of money paid and received Darling, and if you keep them like Pester H. does, you can show you didn’t pay by cheque for something when people are suggesting you did, which is called proving a negative, and is usually very difficult to do”.
Baron S.B. “Surely I don’t need to say it again? The consideration of any corroborative evidence is beyond my remit”.
Inspector “To do what?”
K. “There are no accounts to check”.
Narrator “ Do you know how much these photographs cost children? More than £50 pounds each! Also, they come with an individual Certificate of Authenticity ( not a lot of people know that ). So theirs must have come out of the magic top hat, sans order, sans bill, sans Certificate, sans copyright sticker, sans Recorded Delivery Docket, sans delivery note, sans blooming everything! So why are there no accounts to check? Of course, the nice Case Officer ( who left in June 1996 ) might have paid for it out of her pocket money!”
Child 1 “You’re joking me Daddy, Case Officers don’t do that sort of thing”.
H. “Well you can find the date”.
Inspector. “Well there is no point, it’s been accepted that we may record this as happening in 1986”
Narrator. “As a special treat children you can now peep at this magic copy of the original. Shall we play Kim’s game and spot the differences? That’s right, you can see right into the polytunnels and view the usage.”
Child 1. “So Mr. Pester H. was right all along when he claimed storage in his polytunnels Daddy?” That’s right darling, remember the devil is often in the detail! ).
Child 2. “What would have happened to Pester H. if he hadn’t been able to convince the Inspector Daddy?
Narrator. ”He would have been subject to partial enforcement Darling”.
Child 2 ”So would the enforcement man have come along with his big yellow bulldozer Daddy?
Narrator ”Possibly Darling.”
Child 2 “Even though the Enforcement man might have known about the aerial photograph Daddy?”
Narrator “That’s right Darling”.
Child 2 “Did the Enforcement people know about anything else when they flattened that nice horse lady’s stables Daddy?”
Narrator “Only their own admission that the stables were permitted agricultural development Darling”.